You can see many smiles every day, but you can never know whose world is actually upside down.
Hey everyone,
First I would like to apologize for my previous blog post. It was a bit of a downer and truth is, I’ve been struggling a lot with my own personal demons. Such as the struggle with someone with C-PTSD and sometimes, all it takes is a moment of doubt and weakness. It’s like I have this voice in the back of my head and it just says, “You ruined everything, you hurt someone you cared about, you caused someone to have doubts in their relationship.” And it’s been causing me to beat myself up quite a bit. To clarify things a bit, I ended up telling a really close friend that I have had and have always had feelings for her. All the while knowing she was in a relationship with someone else, who I know and think is kinda cool.
I don’t know why I said what I did, the words just came spewing out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying, then I couldn’t stop myself. In a strange way, it felt really good making myself that vulnerable to someone else. Unfortunately, it was also like there was this dam I had constructed and built around my heart to keep my feelings safe. A part of me always believed as long as I didn’t tell her how I really felt, I would be okay, because I wouldn’t know for sure how she felt for me. So in a way, I felt insulated, because there was always that, “What if? Moment. I also never wanted to do anything to put her current relationship in jeopardy. Needless to say, it’s been tearing me apart inside, I suggested taking a few steps back and just disappearing. But she asked me not too and I’ve been feeling at war with myself, where one part of me wants to go back to being just friends and pretend I never told her how I felt, so that I could just be there for her. But, another part of me wants to be selfish just this once and fight for her and to see if I do, if she’ll choose me. But I know that’s foolish and just a fool’s errand. While there’s this third part of me, who just thinks it’ll be best if I just withdraw, pull away and wish her the best, becoming once more the guy who walks away. (I really hate being that guy, it hurts, it’s hard and it’s depressing. But maybe it’s the right thing to do?) Truth be told I don’t know the right thing to do is, or what I should even think. It’s strange, but I can’t help but feel that she does have feelings for me and I really confused her and threw a lot at her when I told her how I felt. But she’s the one person I ever met, who makes me better. When she’s around, I feel like I’m the person I’m supposed to be, the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be. In person, I’m usually very introspective, shy but when I’m with her, I’m…Better, I become more of an extrovert, I feel strong and confidant….happy. All the while, at the same time there’s a part of me that believes, I don’t deserve to be happy and I should just accept it.
The worse part about all of this is, that dam that came crumbling down when I told this girl how I felt about her, it’s broke and I don’t think I have the strength to rebuild that wall around my heart, even if I did, I don’t think I’d want to. Granted my timing was terrible and the outcome was as expected, I liked not holding back and telling her what she deserved to know. That part felt good, felt right. But then my demons start to mock and taunt me and then it becomes hard, I can’t stop beating myself up. Thinking I messed up royally by telling her how I really felt, that I put a lot stress and pressure on her that she didn’t need. So I hate myself for that.
Going back to my previous blog post, I still meant a lot of what I said. I don’t care about anyone’s race, religion, or their political pigeon. I think all too often religion gets in the way of people coming together. I don’t think we as a people need any more division and that we need to come together. Forget and let go of their prejudices, ignorance and hatred. What if instead of tearing each other down, mocking one another, condemning and hating each other and instead we begin to helping one another, building each other up instead of tearing someone down, because of their sexual preference, how they identify themselves, their religious beliefs, etc. What if we talked more, shared ideas, got excited about learning something new, about being there for someone in need. I struggle a lot with depression, anxiety and C-PTSD. I live with the fact that if there isn’t a positive change in my life, that I’m probably going to crumble underneath the unbearable weight of my depression and will take my own life. For those who don’t know me personally, I usually come off as fairly easy going, positive and happy, when in truth I often feel like I’m dying inside. I feel like I’m struggling just to keep my head above water. Somedays I feel like I’m drowning. And I’ve been going to therapy and taking the meds that are supposed to make me feel normal, yet still I struggle. Maybe all I need is a win. Or find more ways to keep myself distracted. Well I’m going to get off here and hope you all remember to fight the good fight and that people are just people, rather you agree with them or not. Everyone is hurting, everyone is struggling and we’re all afraid, so come together. Talk to one another, ask questions, be nice and be cool. 
Also if you can, please, please, help support one of my favorite aspiring authors. She’s amazing and a super sweet and kind person, she breathes a life into her characters that I haven’t seen any other author do. So if you can, please become a patreon. Let her know that people do believe in her and that she shouldn’t give up. https://www.patreon.com/ARBooks